Writings
Reflective Listening II: Limbic Resonance
Ron Kertzner, September 07
I was recently hosting a teleconference on the topic
of mastering difficult conversations. The area
that most people on the call wanted to discuss
was reflective listening. They mentioned how hard
it is to practice that skill.
In my own experience, I, too, have challenges with this skill.(My 8 year-old daughter let's me know when I am in the same room but not listening.) Upon reflection, I think the reason this is a difficult skill to master is that we are often focusing on our response/reaction to what we hear the person saying. In other words, we are either in the future (response) or past (reaction), but not in the present.
The challenge of listening is to clear away our mental chatter and truly be present with the other. We can do this when we move from listening from the mind to listening from the heart. Listening from the heart means first and foremost an intention to connect with the other person. Our primary goal moves from trying to fix, problem solve or debate to reflecting back to the person that we understand their meaning and their feeling.
When we listen deeply, we actually connect to the limbic brain of the other. (The limbic brain is part of a triune theory of the brain. There is the reptilian brain, the limbic brain and the neocortical brain. The neocortical brain is the place of reason. The limbic brain has more to do with deep emotional connections.) In their book, The General Theory of Love, three physicians show, through extensive research, that through the limbic brain we become attuned to each other's inner states in a literal, biochemical way.
When there is limbic resonance, we feel deeply understood and deeply heard. Through this connection, we then can have extraordinary conversations that produce extraordinary results. The limbic connection provides a pathway for our thoughts and ideas to engage. By listening with the heart, we creatively engage the mind.
Steps for Deep Listening/Limbic Resonance
- Intention -- Have a clear intention to connect with the other
- Connection -- Feel deeply what the other person is saying. Find the place in you that can actually relate to what they are saying. (Caution- relate does not mean agree)
- Reflection -- Reflect back (say in your own words) the meaning and feeling you are hearing. Keep going back and forth until the other person says "yes" (meaning that you've heard them)
- Creation -- share thoughts/ideas based on the common field you've now established with the other
Practice: Limbic Resonance
To sharpen your skill, try practicing this the next time you are having dinner at your favorite restaurant. See if you can establish limbic resonance with your server (waiter) and your dinner partners. Watch (and listen) for what happens.